As a proud resident of Clark County, I'd like to congratulate the good people of northern, rural, and frontier Nevada.
Your long wait is over!
For decades, you've suffered under the burden of being represented in Congress by people who actually live among you, understand your communities, and know the difference between a heifer and a hay bale.
Thankfully, change could be coming. You now have the opportunity to be represented in Congress by a Las Vegas resident, Dave Flippo.
And frankly, it's about time.
Because let's face it, who better to understand the needs of ranchers, miners, farmers, and small-town families than someone who lives 450 miles away in a city where many residents believe milk comes from Albertsons?
For too long, northern/rural Nevada has stubbornly clung to outdated ideas like local control, community identity, self-reliance, and representation by people who actually live in the district.
I know this because I lived among you for four years. Then I came to my senses and moved back to Las Vegas, where nobody expects you to know what an irrigation ditch is.
Seriously, what century are you folks living in?
The future belongs to Clark County and the sooner the rest of Nevada accepts that, the better.
Let's start with transportation.
Many of you can still drive across town without hearing a single car horn. Some of you don't even have rush hour.
Do you realize how primitive that sounds?
In Las Vegas, we understand that a truly modern society requires spending at least 90 minutes a day trapped in traffic while listening to podcasts about reducing your stress.
Why should southern Nevadans be the only ones blessed with the opportunity to sit motionless on a freeway while wondering where their lives went wrong?
Imagine the possibilities.
One day, a resident of Winnemucca could spend 45 minutes trying to make a left turn.
An Elko family could budget an extra hour just to drive three miles to soccer practice.
A rancher could finally experience the joy of being cut off by six Teslas before breakfast.
And for those of you who still make eye contact with strangers on the street, we have therapists for that.
That's progress.
Now let's discuss development.
Many rural Nevadans seem strangely attached to wide-open spaces.
Why? Do you know what open space is?
Unused parking.
That's all it is.
Every acre of sagebrush represents a missed opportunity for luxury apartments named after whatever was bulldozed to build them.
The Silver Sage Ranch becomes Sage Ranch Luxury Living.
The Pioneer Trail becomes Pioneer Trail Estates.
The cattle pasture becomes The Preserve at Cattle Pasture.
For authenticity, they'll name the pool “The Watering Hole” and charge $400 a month in HOA fees to use it.
It's called economic development. Look it up.
And don't worry about losing your small-town character. Developers can always install a decorative wagon wheel near the entrance.
Problem solved.
Of course, one of the greatest gifts Clark County can offer northern Nevada is bureaucracy.
Right now, many of you still suffer from dangerous levels of efficiency.
Need a permit? You get one.
Need a zoning change? You talk to somebody.
Need help? Someone answers the phone.
This cannot continue!
A modern government should require at least seven departments, three consultants, two environmental reviews, and a six-month waiting period before you can build a tool shed.
That's how we know government is working.
And think about all the exciting new regulations you'll enjoy.
- Fire pits approved by committees.
- Chicken permits.
- Goat impact studies.
- Mandatory stakeholder meetings.
- A notarized letter from your neighbors confirming they've been emotionally prepared for your fence post.
- A 147-page environmental review before replacing said fence post.
The possibilities are endless.
Then there's housing.
Some of you still own homes with actual yards. Huge mistake.
Yards encourage dangerous behavior such as privacy, independence, and children playing outside.
Instead, Clark County can introduce exciting new housing concepts.
Imagine paying $800,000 for a townhouse where your bedroom wall doubles as your neighbor's entertainment center.
Imagine HOA meetings that last longer than county commission meetings.
Imagine getting a wellness check because your lawn is “suspiciously green” during a drought advisory.
Imagine receiving a certified violation notice because your pickup truck is visible from the street.
That's the American Dream, baby!
And let's not forget culture.
Many rural communities still host county fairs, rodeos, and local festivals.
Charming.
But have you considered replacing them with planning conferences?
Or public listening sessions?
Or six-hour workshops on sustainable transportation corridors?
Maybe a community symposium examining the emotional impact of livestock ownership.
These are the kinds of enriching experiences that have made Clark County what it is today.
Some critics argue that northern Nevada deserves representation from someone who actually lives there.
How narrow-minded!
By that logic, you'd want your dentist to have teeth.
You'd want your pilot to know how airplanes work.
You'd want your fishing guide to have seen water before.
You'd want your therapist to have feelings.
Honestly, folks, it's the 21st century, OK? Physical location is an outdated concept.
If someone has visited northern Nevada at least twice and owns a pair of boots, they're practically local.
And let's be honest. Clark County already knows what's best for the rest of Nevada. We've spent decades explaining that to you.
Whether it's land use, water rights, mining, ranching, economic development, wildlife management, education, transportation, energy policy, or virtually anything else, we're always happy to provide guidance.
Requested or otherwise.
Mostly otherwise.
The bottom line is simple.
For generations, northern and rural Nevada have suffered from excessive freedom, excessive space, excessive self-reliance, and excessive local pride.
It's time to fix that.
It's time to embrace the wisdom of Clark County.
It's time to elect a Las Vegas resident to represent your rural way of life.
After all, if Las Vegas knows how to manage 2.3 million people, surely it knows how to manage your cattle.
And if you still insist on wanting a representative who actually lives among you, understands your communities, and shares your way of life…
Well, that's your choice.
Just don't come crying to me when you can still see stars at night, know your sheriff by name, find a parking space without a valet, and your kids aren't on a two-year waitlist for a Little League field.
Some people simply refuse to embrace progress.
(Disclaimer: For the humor-impaired, this is pure satire. I was fortunate enough to live in Carson City and travel throughout northern Nevada for four years in the late 2000’s when my kids were still kids. Loved every minute of it. That’s when I met and got to know James Settelmeyer, who I personally endorse in the CD2 race.)